


You may be silent but you're never quiet

by det395



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 00:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19366585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/det395/pseuds/det395
Summary: But this was the plan. The calculated, free-willed share of information to mediate the rumours and the accusations, the pass into their increasingly domestic life where they can still manage their privacy. It sounds great coming from Dan’s mouth.





	You may be silent but you're never quiet

**Author's Note:**

> fair warning that this is unbeta'd and spontaneous

“Hey, guys! So, if you haven’t seen it yet, you need to go check out Dan’s video, I’ll put it up on the screen here. It’s amazing, and he worked so hard on it, and...”

 

He trails off, clearing his throat. He straightens his back a bit more.

 

“If you have watched it, you might have heard something about me.” He pauses. “...um…. Well I have something to say, too, and I don’t want to make this a big deal, but...ah.”

 

The fern is starting to droop and he wonders if it’s starting to wither, it definitely wasn’t this close to his chair before. He leans down and pushes it by the base until the shot isn’t so much of a jungle. He straightens his chair a bit better and smiles.

 

"Hey, guys! So first of all, Dan uploaded a really incredible video, you can click here if you want to check it out."

 

He waves his hands around a bit.

 

“Well, I guess all I have to say is, me too!” He laughs, but then quickly breaks off, shaking his head. 

 

“If you follow me on Twitter, at AmazingPhil…. No, don’t say that. Um. You might have seen me say on Twitter that I was going to post a lowkey video. Mm. I wanted to be lowkey about this, but I do want to let you guys know how I identify. Well, I don’t like to use labels, just like Dan, but I suppose,  _ argh,  _ I’m rambling.” He mumbles and breathes in for a moment.

 

“This is never going to live up to Dan’s video, and I guess that isn’t me, anyway. I think he perfectly and empathetically explained what it’s like to feel all these expectations and feel like you’re this evil thing growing up. And I’m a pretty private person, like he said, I don’t particularly want to share lots of stuff, I do like keeping my private relationships to myself. That being said, I want to be open about this—Dan, too. So, while I don’t usually use labels, I want you guys to know that I’m....”

 

Phil stops talking and looks down at his laptop. He looks terrified.

 

“You know, I’m not really good at sharing personal stuff on the Internet, but I do want to share this one aspect about me, and I’m—ah, fuck.”

 

It might be his tiredness, he thinks. He rubs his eyes harshly. He was up late, prying his eyes open while Dan looked through Tweets. He’s felt invigorated since then, despite the minimal sleep, the high emotions, the crying, but maybe the tiredness is hiding under it all, making him incoherent and anxious. Maybe he needs to eat that leftover cake.

 

He turns off the camera, slams down his laptop, and switches off the lights that are making him sweat.

 

-

 

He’s in the gaming room office, empty plate pushed to the side and empty word document in front of him. Maybe if he starts from scratch he’ll figure out a better way to do this. 

 

Does he have any funny coming out stories that don’t single out some real-life person? An individual story that doesn’t play on stereotypes? A telling game that definitely isn’t ‘smash or pass’?

 

He doesn’t really want to do it alone, but he doesn’t really want to make something that will be classified as a boyfriend announcement. Even if that is kind of what this is. In the eyes of the public, at least. The freedom from confusion when they move into their house and have a family one day.

 

He really can’t win. Maybe he did ignore his own feelings or fake nonchalance when he helped Dan make his video. Maybe he’s too scared to face anything after such an announcement. Dan would just about die of guilt. But Phil had told him to include their story, it was pertinent to his own.

 

Maybe he just won’t say anything further, but how will people react to that? Probably not in the nonchalant way he wants. This should be obvious, everyone must know that he’s not straight, so why does he have to acknowledge it?

 

But this was the plan. The calculated, free-willed share of information to mediate the rumours and the accusations, the pass into their increasingly domestic life where they can still manage their privacy. It sounds great coming from Dan’s mouth.

 

Part of him expected the world to get its shit together until one day he wouldn’t have to clarify this to anyone. He wouldn’t need to see the surprise on people’s faces as he stammers through the nature of his relationship with Dan. It just doesn’t seem fair that people just ignore what’s in front of them and put him in this situation.

 

That’s not everyone, though. And really, the few people who have always known and related to him are the ones he’d be happy to joke to about how he fancies Chris Hemsworth so much that he has a saved folder of videos of him on Instagram. Just, where is his precedence for that?   
  


This just isn’t what his content is supposed to be. He wants to embrace that lighthearted sitcom vibe, not have to face this side of his personal life that really does make him break out into a sweat if he thinks about it too hard. The guilt, the cruelty, the jokes that even his own friends always made may just never leave him.

 

His hands are squishing his face up in distress when the door hits the wall and makes him jump.

 

“Oi!” He says, and Dan raises his hands to feign innocence. 

 

“What are you doing in here?”

 

“Writing.”

 

“Uh huh, I see you’ve started your novel,” Dan nods to the empty document and laughs. Phil turns his head so he doesn’t glare at Dan.

 

Dan walks in and pulls the chair back from the desk so Phil has to dig his heels into the carpet. 

 

“Stop.” He tries to get up but he doesn’t quite get the momentum before Dan drags the chair around to face him and plops down on the couch to peer up at him.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“I’m trying to finish this video before the days over, Dan.” He rolls a bit further from Dan.

 

“Yee checkup?” Dan moves his head to try to look at Phil straight on. He lets out a low  _ yee  _ and tries not to crack a smile.

 

“Hmm, not sounding good.”

 

“Take me to court.”

 

“You could just ask me for help, you know?” 

 

He kind of hates how he gets a bubble up of anger at the teasing chuckle that follows because he knows Dan is being great right now. Dan is cheerful and supportive and ready to do whatever it takes to make sure Phil is okay. He turns his face, knowing the guilt that would come if he really did turn the venom towards Dan. Especially at a time like this.

 

He wants to prove just as much as Dan that they can withstand this public attention.

 

Dan manhandles him from his knees until the office chair is between Dan’s legs and Phil can’t really escape his gaze.

 

“Take your own advice, mate. Don’t hold in your feelings.”

 

“It’s fine, I’m just trying to figure out what exactly to say.”

 

“It’s harder than it feels it should be, right? How many takes did I do?” Dan’s voice is soft. Phil shrugs.

 

“I just need some time to figure it out.”

 

“You don’t want my help?”

 

The hurt is clear and Phil cocks his head at Dan.

 

Dan rubs his hand against the muscles in Phil’s thigh, and immediately another welcoming distraction comes to Phil’s mind, something else he could indulge in to clear his mind. 

 

Dan grabs his hand then and he’s not sure if he imagines the slight tug, but he pushes himself up and sits over Dan’s lap.

 

“Oh. Hello.” 

 

He leans down and kisses Dan’s neck.

 

“Phil….” Dan tsk’s, and Phil just grabs his wrists and pulls Dan’s hands to his own behind. That does make Dan giggle but he’s clearly not giving in so easily.

 

“Let me avoid,” he whines against his neck.

 

“I thought you were working hard, hm?” As he says it, he squeezes at Phil’s skin. 

 

But then Dan grabs his jaw and pushes him back to stare. He doesn't say anything, just waits. Phil sighs.

 

“I’m so proud of you,” Phil mutters.

 

Dan laughs and Phil sees his cheeks go a little pink, but he just casually says, “yeah, you’ve mentioned.”

 

“I just feel a bit overwhelmed. I thought I would be chill about it, but I’m scared about the attention moving on me.”

 

“Good thing I’m so thirsty for attention.”

 

“Mm.” 

 

“You don’t need to do anything, Phil. You tweeted, I mentioned the privacy thing, maybe some more candid jokes will be all you do to connect with them. We've talked about this. It’s okay.” Dan pushes his hair back gently.

 

"Everything feels like it's changing. I don't know how I'll just make a normal video now. This was the plan."

 

"All that's changed is I'm back to talking shit online."

 

“You're changing lives, Dan.”

 

"Well, you make people smile," Dan says. "Like always."

 

"Maybe I will...later. Or, with you." He shrugs to make it sound less like an expectation. 

 

"Yeah, Phil. There's time."

 

"Yeah."

 

“Now stop psyching yourself out and hiding from me.” Dan moves his hands back down and squeezes Phil’s ass until he flinches. He laughs, falling sideways to escape but he’s glad Dan keeps things light when they talk seriously. He keeps his leg draped over Dan’s lap and smiles.

 

“I don’t think I’m cut out to make a coming out video.”

  
“Just dumb challenge videos, yeah?”

 

“Yeah, prime content.” Phil snarks. “You’re gay.”

 

“Your mum’s gay.”

 

“Kath...is an icon. A gay icon”

 

“Yeah, truly. Phil, just come relax with me?”

 

“Yeah, alright." He lets Dan pull him up.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr link](https://det395.tumblr.com/post/185863500847/you-may-be-quiet-but-youre-never-silent)


End file.
